look out.. I'm about to rain on your sunny day

so here it is, a beautiful saturday morning in May.. and what am I doing? sitting in front of my computer, working a job that I can't f-n stand... I've no way away from it.. I'm stuck.. I hate it.. just goes along with all the other crap that I'm stuck with.. I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to say screw it, and pack it in.. shut the computer off, throw the dialysis machine out the window.. and wait... i've felt like this twice before... the first time, I got a kidney before it got too bad... the last, a certain TV show host gave me something else to look forward to.. well.. I need something now... I know the way I feel isn't normal.. but whenever I try to get home from someone, they ignore me.. and they've been doing it for YEARS... you can only go so far before you totally lose your sanity.. and I know I'm close to the breaking point.. I want to stop it before I get to far.. I guess that just shows that I'm not too far gone yet.. if I know I've got a problem.. just can't seem to get anyone to help me fix it.. I would have quit the job months ago.. but, I've got people telling me to keep it.. I'm tired of being tired.. I'm tired of being sick.. I'm tired of working a job I hate.. I'm tired of doing all this stuff I don't want to do.. all I want to do is rest.. enjoy life.. I haven't had much of a chance to at this point...

This week in Riki history

I was thinking about the date today.. it was six years ago today that I got my last kidney... I got the call on Victoria day.. just as I was getting ready to go to work.. and it took me three hours to find Mom and Dad, who had gone to the races that day.. that's a story in itself.. I may tell it sometime... anyway, I found them.. and Mom drove me to Halifax... three hours exactly.. for a four hour drive... no pee stops... we were truckin'... anyway, I didn't get the kidney till 5pm the next day... it was a Tuesday.. like today.. wonder if that means anything... I was in a good place then.. I miss being in that good place...

The next day in the week.. Friday.. Friday is the third anniversary of me losing that kidney that I got six years ago today.. I started dialysis that day.. and have done every day since.. that machine has been my bed buddy ever since.. I even took it to New York with me last month.. can't wait to be rid of it..

Then, the last day.. which really isn't this week, it's next.. but it's in the same six days... and, with all the other stuff going on, I think it's a real kick in the teeth... my birthday.. it's Monday...

so.. all this crappy stuff and my birthday.. all in the same damn six days... lucky me...

Sleep for the weak? You bet, cuz insomnia sure isn't

I hate sunday mornings... I hate having to get up so friggin early.. this morning is worse, though.. because my insomnia has come back.. I didn't sleep a wink last night. and now I have an 8 hour shift.. I think the part timers in where I work are getting left out of the benefits... hours are being cut by a half hour this week... full timers only... they can cut my shift by a half hour if they want.. I don't mind losing 2 hours a week.. if it means I can get some rest.. but no... while the full timers are enjoying their 7 and a half hour shift, I'm working an 8 hour shift.. at a job I don't like.. and only keep because I need the money... at any rate, I need to start getting ready for work... I hope everyone else has a good Sunday...

To All My Therapists

Life is full of crap. Everyone knows this. I, however, have a secret weapon against the feces that life will throw at you.
When the world begins to spin too fast, and I'm feeling dizzy from the speed, I sit at my computer. I find little text boxes of encouragement flying across the screen. They come from all over the world, this internet support group. I really don't know where I would be today without mine.
What I find is funny, is that a lot of those who have helped me, don't even realize they have. Sometimes receiving a simple hello is all a person needs to have their day be ten times better.
So this is my salute to all my therapists. May you continue to be there when I need you, and hopefully I can also be there when you need me.
I love you all